Grasping Paradise
by Fuji S
Summary: Ryuichi's thoughts on what he wants.


**Disclaimer:**_ Gravitations does not belong to the writer but this story and it contents does. Please do not sue the writer since the writer isn't getting any money off this story._

**Title: **Grasping Paradise  
**Author: **Fuji S. Yuki  
**Genre: **Angsty, General

Almost there, he was almost there, he could almost taste it the feeling the vibration underneath his feet, his hands. It was all there the europium toward Eden, the paradise that he sought for so long, before his band had disintegrated into nothingness. Sakuma Ryuichi. A name that was famous to the bitter end, someone that was a legend of his time, with his band of Nittle Grasper, the place where he felt like he belonged. With Nori-chan and Tohma-kun. The place where they all were united in their drive for music, the songs the wildness the free feelings. 

Somewhere along his single debuts he felt alone, without the rest of his band, he felt the sparkle that he carried die out, but it was revived, when he listen to a new group that Tohma brought him to see. 'Bad Luck' an odd name of a band, but then he couldn't really say much since their own name was eccentric, however once famous it was popular, and wasn't seen as odd. The little boy on the stage had drawn him at the beginning the color of strawberry short hair glimmer, while the color of the outfit was sexy and classical. However, it was those eyes that drew him the power that lurk inside them the potential. Perhaps that was what drew him onto the stage, the calling, that he so missed, the need to expel the air out of his long in lyrical notes.

It came the feeling that he felt, when he stood upward to look at the boy named Shindo Shuichi, to watch those eyes harden into something serious and brilliant shade of iris that switched to harden amethyst gems. The need, it was there, the singing, as the song came the song that called, summoning him to that place, the place where he always wanted to stay. As he stood by the younger boy, he could almost feel the drive, the beat and his friends, his mates beside and behind him, Nori-chan, Tohma-kun they were all there welcoming him, with arms, the feeling, but—

The boy was always there, standing singing, those eyes, the voice and power, as he accompanies the lyrics and tune. Together, they both floated in the area of fire and ice, the place where magic of those linked with the musical beat and heart and potential could ride to the opium state. The delirium that came with being able to let go, to watch, to listen, and to let their hearts beat to the drug of their lives.

String less puppets jerked and lead to each tempo mix, and stuttering of their steps while they dance and sway grinding their hips to where the music drove them. It wasn't the money the fame; no it was being able to share in the utopia of the stage, and the setting of love for music. The main ingredient that Ryuichi missed in his pliant of fame the loss of his drive, he motive until just now, when he met this boy that reminded him of himself. 

However, Shuichi wasn't him, he hasn't experienced the same thing that he had, during his journey, but he was going in the direction that was for sure, the direction to greatness.

Nittle Grasper. The retired band, he wanted them together, he wanted to be able to join with them, to sing the way he was meant to sing. He wanted to ride to the top again; he wanted to hold that piece of him that was similar to Shuichi. So he requested from Tohma to revive Nittle Grasper, to play together, to be together like a family once again. It had been too long, the drive was back, with the want and need to belong back to that paradise that he had felt in a five second spot light with Shindo Shuichi. Perhaps the reason behind Nittle Grasper's come back was to recapture the past in his hands—how he wanted to hold onto those precarious emotions of his. 

When the group was together, he felt wonderful, he was happy, but that was short lived, when he acknowledge while watching Bad Luck's performance that the other's were drawing further away, quickly faster, somewhere into a level that he could never achieved. They were riding higher then what Nittle Grasper would ever go too; they were influencing everyone with the music that would change this century of youth. How he envies Shuichi, since he finally admits that the age of Nittle Grasper was over, and that it was now it was time for a new century singer. Out with the Old in with the New wasn't that how the saying goes, however even though they were old veterans they were seen with respect. All the cobalt eye boy could do now was support this new century band, to watch them take heights, and perhaps rise with them in a trail of wind.

Singing was Ryuichi's life, it was the ground that lifted him upward, it was the area that he was able to show the world who he really was…not the genki happy Sakuma, but the real him. The other him that existed in hiding, the one that hide behind the mask of childishness to escape the seriousness of situation, it was his haven.

However, it also was his greatest flaw to always keep running away from the problems, to never stay and stand up against it. Perhaps that was why he couldn't go higher than Shuichi. The other was like him, he had his silly moments, he dressed up in costumes, he was happy. However, the difference was the other didn't run away, he couldn't run away, and for that Ryuichi admired him greatly, the individual that changed his life. Making him want to be more then a shadow in the world of light and darkness. He didn't want to fade away, he wanted to stay and shine in the spotlight, he wanted to be the real him, the real Sakuma Ryuichi.

Maybe he was in love, or perhaps it was infatuation, however the one he wanted, let alone admire was taken. It was surely, truly, a drag, and if he could he would brood about it, however, he wasn't allotted to do so. If he did, others would notice they would harp at him, bug him until he told them the reason behind his uncharacteristic behavior. He couldn't let his emotions go in the real world like he could in his singing, he envied Shindo-kun for what he had, what he could be.

And yet—he wanted to be beside the other, he wanted the other to acknowledge him to watch him, to listen to him. Perhaps even to praise him, he just wanted to be with the other. However, even through his faint obsession, the most things he wanted from Shuichi were to stand by his side and sing together. To be something for one another, yet perhaps, kami-sama didn't want things to go his way, and once again he was alone.

Everyone he wanted let alone loved, was taken away from him, Tohma by Yuki Eiri's sister, and of course the other's heart for the boy. He never could understand why everyone love Yuki, why they were concerned about him so much, but there must be some reason behind all things considering. Shuichi after all love the other, then all Ryuichi could do was stand, and watch, the stage was meant for singers and performers, at least he could derive pleasure from that with Shuichi.

Shuichi had a gravitation pull that made sure that people would gravitate to him, perhaps it was the pure soul inside him, the devotion the loyalty. There was so much inside the other, just like Ryuichi. Every individual has something in him or her that pulls another person toward them, and yet sometimes even that same magnetic attraction could be use to repel others. Atoms, neutrons, protons, and electrons, each of these structures circles, goes toward, and gets repelled away. The electron clouds spin in orb in different angels shapes and sizes either in forms of p1's s1's or even the ironical lumpy shape of an egg. However, they all circle one another sometime, belonging together, until another element comes to steal away one electron, or perhaps even two, until all left is something new, something different. 

Nothing stays the same, nothing last forever, and even though Ryuichi could pretend it could with his bunny puppet, and his happy go lucky mask, inside his heart ached for the longing of just that one perfect moment to last forever.

Yet the past was the past, it might be recorded on video, but the feelings were gone, except for a hollow empty feeling inside of him. Maybe it was foolish of him to want to feel those trembles, to want the emotions the nervousness back, with the surge of energy, maybe it would bring his destruction. But—he still desire it very much so, he perhaps even needed it like a drug to escape to go back to the place where he left his heart at—to the essence of the electron cloud.

For there he could always be in gravitation with himself and the other's that he held close to his heart.


End file.
